Travel tips for idiots (not you, of course)
After a hard landing, a little old lady asked the captain:
'Did you land the plane or were we shot down'?
The captain feeling insulted by her question and noticing the old lady’s frowning face asked her.
‘Is that your face or your ass'?
Travel tips for idiots (not you, of course)
We're entering the busy air travel season, which means the airports will be swarming with millions of vacation travellers, all of them ahead of you in the security line, many of them with the intelligence of an avocado.
No, that's unfair to avocados. I say this because of the passenger behaviour I often observed at my airport of earlier Duty, the Los Angeles International Airport. Every security checkpoint there is festooned with signs informing you, in several languages, that you must produce two things: (1) Your boarding pass. (2) A photo ID. There are people announcing in loud voices, "Have your boarding pass and photo ID ready!" Also, as you near the checkpoint, you can see that all the passengers in front of you are being required to produce a boarding pass and a photo ID.
If there were an avocado in the line, at some point it would grasp that it needed to produce a boarding pass and ID. But many human air travellers cannot manage this feat. Dozens of times, I have stood behind people who are taken totally by surprise. A boarding pass! AND an ID! Of all the things to need at the airport! So they start rooting through their belongings, while those of us in the line roll our eyes and the avocado rolls its pit.
To help prevent unnecessary airport delays and strangling this year, I've prepared the following --->
BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO TRAVELLING BY AIR
WHEN TO ARRIVE AT THE AIRPORT:
You should be at the airport already.
HOW MUCH LUGGAGE YOU CAN CARRY ON:
You can carry on one small bag and one medium bag, for a total of two bags. You may not carry on three bags by insisting to airline personnel - as I have seen many travellers do - that one of your bags is not really a bag, as if it were some kind of magical invisible fairy bag that the airline personnel cannot see. You also may not carry on a suitcase the size of a sleeper sofa apparently containing the entire wardrobe of "The Producers." The fact that your suitcase has wheels does NOT automatically mean that you may carry it onto the airplane. A piano also has wheels, but you wouldn't try to take a piano onto a plane, would you? No, wait, some of you would.
PROHIBITED OBJECTS:
You may not take knives, guns, spears, spear guns, flamethrowers, catapults, missiles, armored personnel carriers, objects or cheeses, scary animals such as squid, pointy Madonna-style brassieres or anything else that could be used to inflict harm." You may carry nail clippers, provided that you padlock them shut and give the key to the pilot upon boarding.
HOW TO GO THROUGH THE SECURITY CHECKPOINT:
Have your boarding pass and photo ID ready. Remove all your possessions from your pockets and put them in a plastic tray. Have your boarding pass and photo ID ready. Remove your belt, shoes, pacemakers and any large dental fillings and put them in another plastic tray. Have your boarding pass and photo ID ready. Remove your laptop computer and put it in another plastic tray.
FOR GOD'S SAKE HAVE YOUR BOARDING PASS AND PHOTO ID READY:
Put everything - trays, bags, children younger than 2 - on the moving belt, then stand in a non terrorist manner until the security person signals to you, at which time, while holding your boarding pass and photo ID up non threateningly, you should shuffle meekly forward until your pants fall to the floor.
JOKING AROUND WITH THE SECURITY PERSONNEL:
Airport security personnel are a wacky and fun-loving group who are bored to death from spending eight hours a day reminding morons to have their boarding passes and photo IDs ready. There is nothing they enjoy more than a good joke or prank, such as the one where you give the victim a can that says "peanut brittle" and when he opens it, giant spring-loaded worms come shooting out. Ha-ha! That always sets off a round of hearty knee slapping at the checkpoint.
Yes, if you just use your common sense this vacation season, instead of wasting your fall- and winter waiting in long, hectic lines at the airport, you can spend your time relaxing in the quiet privacy of your federal detention cell.
Which is just as well, because your flight was cancelled.
Published in 2005
ONE MINUT VACATION
Take a one-minute vacation from the life you are living.
By the way... if you want to have some pleasure - please click you kindly into:
http://beta.plazes.com. Welcome after free registration - to look after me as - Desert Star!
This is Plazes:
Plazes is the first global location-aware interaction and geo-information system, connecting you with the people and Plazes in your area and all over the world. It is the navigation system for your social life. Plazes is the first global location-aware interaction and geo-information system, connecting you with the people and Plazes in your area and all over the world. It is the navigation system for your social life.
One-minute vacation
Surely you can spare a minute to clean your ears? Take a one-minute vacation from the life you are living.
One-minute vacations are unedited recordings of somewhere, somewhen. Sixty seconds of something else. Sixty seconds to be someone else.
http://www.quietamerican.org/vacation.html
Or listen to nice warm Music... with R.A.D.I.O. 4 2 or Phonostar!
May the groove be with you!
http://www.radio42.com
http://www.phonostar.de/services/download/playerdownload.php
Welcome!
And finally...
During a Delta Airlines flight, one of the passengers was giving a flight attendant a hard time, since the pax wanted to sit somewhere else in the plane. The flight attendant said 'Miss, please just sit down, we'll take care of it after take-off.' The pax, still not satisfied, mumbled 'Whatever, - next time I'll fly KLM!'. The flight attendant turned around and said 'Yeah right, as if you could afford that!'
May the Great Spirit always guide a path to your hopes and dreams! Stay in tune with your feelings and be strong in your search.
Trace your walk, feel satisfaction in knowing the end of the rainbow you have looked for,he can be found at the toe of your moccasin after realizing whom we are and what we have.
Love and Light
Desert Star
'Das Licht dieser Welt kommt von denen, die einen Knall haben!'
'It´s the cracked ones that let the light into the world!'
--> Bumper sticker, Venice Beach, Los Angeles, California, USA <--
“To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path
and don't worry about the darkness for that is when stars shine the brightest.”
'Did you land the plane or were we shot down'?
The captain feeling insulted by her question and noticing the old lady’s frowning face asked her.
‘Is that your face or your ass'?
Travel tips for idiots (not you, of course)
We're entering the busy air travel season, which means the airports will be swarming with millions of vacation travellers, all of them ahead of you in the security line, many of them with the intelligence of an avocado.
No, that's unfair to avocados. I say this because of the passenger behaviour I often observed at my airport of earlier Duty, the Los Angeles International Airport. Every security checkpoint there is festooned with signs informing you, in several languages, that you must produce two things: (1) Your boarding pass. (2) A photo ID. There are people announcing in loud voices, "Have your boarding pass and photo ID ready!" Also, as you near the checkpoint, you can see that all the passengers in front of you are being required to produce a boarding pass and a photo ID.
If there were an avocado in the line, at some point it would grasp that it needed to produce a boarding pass and ID. But many human air travellers cannot manage this feat. Dozens of times, I have stood behind people who are taken totally by surprise. A boarding pass! AND an ID! Of all the things to need at the airport! So they start rooting through their belongings, while those of us in the line roll our eyes and the avocado rolls its pit.
To help prevent unnecessary airport delays and strangling this year, I've prepared the following --->
BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO TRAVELLING BY AIR
WHEN TO ARRIVE AT THE AIRPORT:
You should be at the airport already.
HOW MUCH LUGGAGE YOU CAN CARRY ON:
You can carry on one small bag and one medium bag, for a total of two bags. You may not carry on three bags by insisting to airline personnel - as I have seen many travellers do - that one of your bags is not really a bag, as if it were some kind of magical invisible fairy bag that the airline personnel cannot see. You also may not carry on a suitcase the size of a sleeper sofa apparently containing the entire wardrobe of "The Producers." The fact that your suitcase has wheels does NOT automatically mean that you may carry it onto the airplane. A piano also has wheels, but you wouldn't try to take a piano onto a plane, would you? No, wait, some of you would.
PROHIBITED OBJECTS:
You may not take knives, guns, spears, spear guns, flamethrowers, catapults, missiles, armored personnel carriers, objects or cheeses, scary animals such as squid, pointy Madonna-style brassieres or anything else that could be used to inflict harm." You may carry nail clippers, provided that you padlock them shut and give the key to the pilot upon boarding.
HOW TO GO THROUGH THE SECURITY CHECKPOINT:
Have your boarding pass and photo ID ready. Remove all your possessions from your pockets and put them in a plastic tray. Have your boarding pass and photo ID ready. Remove your belt, shoes, pacemakers and any large dental fillings and put them in another plastic tray. Have your boarding pass and photo ID ready. Remove your laptop computer and put it in another plastic tray.
FOR GOD'S SAKE HAVE YOUR BOARDING PASS AND PHOTO ID READY:
Put everything - trays, bags, children younger than 2 - on the moving belt, then stand in a non terrorist manner until the security person signals to you, at which time, while holding your boarding pass and photo ID up non threateningly, you should shuffle meekly forward until your pants fall to the floor.
JOKING AROUND WITH THE SECURITY PERSONNEL:
Airport security personnel are a wacky and fun-loving group who are bored to death from spending eight hours a day reminding morons to have their boarding passes and photo IDs ready. There is nothing they enjoy more than a good joke or prank, such as the one where you give the victim a can that says "peanut brittle" and when he opens it, giant spring-loaded worms come shooting out. Ha-ha! That always sets off a round of hearty knee slapping at the checkpoint.
Yes, if you just use your common sense this vacation season, instead of wasting your fall- and winter waiting in long, hectic lines at the airport, you can spend your time relaxing in the quiet privacy of your federal detention cell.
Which is just as well, because your flight was cancelled.
Published in 2005
ONE MINUT VACATION
Take a one-minute vacation from the life you are living.
By the way... if you want to have some pleasure - please click you kindly into:
http://beta.plazes.com. Welcome after free registration - to look after me as - Desert Star!
This is Plazes:
Plazes is the first global location-aware interaction and geo-information system, connecting you with the people and Plazes in your area and all over the world. It is the navigation system for your social life. Plazes is the first global location-aware interaction and geo-information system, connecting you with the people and Plazes in your area and all over the world. It is the navigation system for your social life.
One-minute vacation
Surely you can spare a minute to clean your ears? Take a one-minute vacation from the life you are living.
One-minute vacations are unedited recordings of somewhere, somewhen. Sixty seconds of something else. Sixty seconds to be someone else.
http://www.quietamerican.org/vacation.html
Or listen to nice warm Music... with R.A.D.I.O. 4 2 or Phonostar!
May the groove be with you!
http://www.radio42.com
http://www.phonostar.de/services/download/playerdownload.php
Welcome!
And finally...
During a Delta Airlines flight, one of the passengers was giving a flight attendant a hard time, since the pax wanted to sit somewhere else in the plane. The flight attendant said 'Miss, please just sit down, we'll take care of it after take-off.' The pax, still not satisfied, mumbled 'Whatever, - next time I'll fly KLM!'. The flight attendant turned around and said 'Yeah right, as if you could afford that!'
May the Great Spirit always guide a path to your hopes and dreams! Stay in tune with your feelings and be strong in your search.
Trace your walk, feel satisfaction in knowing the end of the rainbow you have looked for,he can be found at the toe of your moccasin after realizing whom we are and what we have.
Love and Light
Desert Star
'Das Licht dieser Welt kommt von denen, die einen Knall haben!'
'It´s the cracked ones that let the light into the world!'
--> Bumper sticker, Venice Beach, Los Angeles, California, USA <--
“To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path
and don't worry about the darkness for that is when stars shine the brightest.”
Desertstar - 18. Nov, 08:40
Trackback URL:
https://paradise.twoday.net/stories/405802/modTrackback